drphilbilly's Blog

Believe it or not, even though I am in Wisconsin working, this will be one of the most memorable Easter Sunday’s in history. It all started when I got up and decided to spend the day at the movies instead of sitting around in my room. 

I went and saw “Arthur” and when it was over I decided to sneak in and see “Scream4”. Nothing like a two for one special. The problem was that I was only one of three people in the theater so not being noticed would be tricky, but I pulled it off. Until it was time to leave.

There was only one way out and it went right past the dude that sold me the ticket. Since I know there was not a five hour movie playing and I purchased one of only three tickets, I knew he would remember me. So I doubled back to look for another exit and luckily I found a back door. They really should post a sign that says “ALARM WILL SOUND IF OPENED”.  Craaap! I cut across the parking lot looking like a fat Olympic speed walker on crack trying not to be noticed. I jump in my car and see the ticket dude pointing at me through the theater window as I take the parking lot corner on two wheels.

I enter the hotel lobby and say hello to the lady behind the counter. She and her husband are a sweet little couple from India that manages the place. All of a sudden I hear the lobby doors bang open and here comes her husband skipping across the floor wound tighter than a fiddle string. He is shouting something to his wife in Indian Arabic and she cracks up laughing. 

As he disappears behind the counter I hear a siren and screeching tires out in the parking lot. A cop has done slammed on breaks sliding in sideways. He comes busting through the doors with his hand on his holster scaring me half to death yelling “Which way did he go!”  I’m already on my knees with my hands laced behind my head crying out “It was just a movie ticket man, come on”.

His wife pointed to the back giving up her fugitive husband. But before the cop could get around the counter her husband comes back through the door with his hands on his head and his belt undone. He had apparently had to crap so bad that he ran a red light trying to get to the hotel before he redecorated the inside of his wife’s car. When the cop turned his siren on to pull him over the hotel was in sight and he figured the cop could just write him the ticket after he went to the bathroom. That’s what he was explaining to his wife on his way in because he didn’t want me to know he was about to crap his pants. 

This has been the best Easter ever…I’m just sayin’.

I got this friend, lets call him "Pee Wee." Now Pee Wee has this German Sheppard named Herman. Herman is really one of the smartest dogs I have ever seen in my life. But like most geniuses he is a little eccentric. When ever Herman has to take a doggie dump, he will wait until no one is looking and then back himself up into a bush to do his business. If you look at him he will stop what he's doing and walk around the bush like he's doing something else until you look away, then he will do the same thing and back into the bush again.

I was messing around and every time Herman backed into a bush I would look straight at him, then look away for a second and then look at him again. Everytime I did this Herman would take a lap around the bush. After about 3 times Herman apparently had enough, he looked right at me and started barking. Pee Wee said "He must really need to go bad Wayne cause he just told you to turn around and mind your own dang business".

I have never been told by a dog before to let him take a doggie dump in peace. I just started laughing and told Pee Wee "That is the strangest but smartest dog I think I have ever seen".

Pee Wee said "Wayne, You ain't seen nothing yet". Then he reached into his truck, got out a roll of toilet paper and asked me to bring it to Herman. I scratched my head and said "You got to be kidding me. Arent you?".

As I am holding the roll of paper Herman looks right at me and barks again. There ain’t no gosh dang way. I’m just sayin’.

Last Thursday morning Victor and I had gotten up to start our day. We have been staying in a hotel room working out of town, so we go down to the lobby each morning and eat some bacon and eggs. The good ole continental breakfast. Then its a race up two flight of stairs to the bathroom. The loser obviously hopes the winner ate some nice smelling peaches or snacked on some popuri.

Well Thursday I lost the race. We are back in the room and as Victor comes out of the bathroom and I can already tell I'll be waiting a little while. What the heck did that boy eat? I look on the night stand and the popuri is undisturbed. Daaang!

There is a knock at the door and Victor answers it. Its the cleaning lady. He tells her we don't need the room cleaned yet but would like some towels. So I think he is going to wait at the door and get them from her but he goes and sits down on the bed instead.

The cleaning lady comes in the room, proceeds to the bathroom where Victor just redecorated the walls only three minutes ago. She comes out of the bathroom all glassy eyed and says "Uhao, estos chicos estan muy mal."

I don't speak spanish but from the tone in her voice and the look on her face I know it wasn't good. I almost fell off the bed laughing.
Then Victor Remembers he had purchase an Oklahoma lottery ticket when we first got here. So he asked me to look up the numbers on the internet. He was hovering over me for just long enough that I saw his numbers. So when I read out the numbers off the computer he got real quiet and said "Read that again?"

So I read it again with a straight face like it was no big deal. All of a sudden Victor jumps up off the bed doing an awesome Bruce Lee kick. Flipped over the corner of my bed and yells "DUDE! WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER!"

Before I could tell him any different he hauls butt out the door. Runs down the hall hugging every cleaning lady in sight. I chased him down two flights of stairs, in nothing but my boxers and finally caught him in the lobby with fourteen wide eyed strangers staring at us.
When I told him I was kidding he got real quiet again. Gave me a look I hope to never see again and he calmly says " Dude...your day is coming."

Then he ponted his finger at me and said "I'm...just...sayin!" ...Oh snap!

Vote up! 1

 

How do you relax after a trying day? Sit in your recliner and watch TV? Go for a jog? Read a good book?

Well after one particular bad day I went home and decided to give Calgon a try. You know “Calgon take me away.” I ran the bath water, poured it in and read the box for detailed instruction to maximize my efforts, but it really didn’t tell me much. I was left with more questions than answers.

Questions like “Is it toxic?”, “If you use twice as much can you go twice as far?” , “Where does it take you anyway?” , “Can you choose where you go or is it just some random location?” , “What if where it takes me is worse than where I am now?” , “Do you wear a bathing suit in the bathtub so you wont be naked when you get there?”

What if it’s like a time portal and you go to a happy place in your past but when you get there you are naked? Say I wanted to go back to my 12 year old little league all-star game where I was the MVP shortstop but I showed up naked. Would this alter my future for the worse? I really think this would have a negative impact on my life right?

I sat there staring at the tub of water and the Calgon bottle and suddenly realized that by avoiding being forever known as “The Naked Shortstop” that my life really isn’t that bad after all so I pulled the plug and put the box on the shelf and take down a bottle of wine instead. Thanks anyway Calgon but life is strange enough without you making a Lifetime movie out of it. I’m just sayin’. 

Some of the best memories that I have ever had was the 10 years that I coached little league baseball. This one year I was coaching the 9/10 year old age group. We had a kid on our team that had trouble paying attention and wasn’t very coordinated but he was such a sweet kid. Everybody rooted for him every time he got up to bat but he just couldn’t hit the ball. I worked with him during practice and after practice but he just couldn’t quiet get the hang of it.

It was literally the last game of the season , his last at bat and down to the last pitch. We all held our breath, the pitcher threw the ball and this kid swings and hits the ball. It didn’t go very far but he hit it. We were all yelling for him to run because he was just standing there looking at the ball. Even the oposing team was into it, they had intentially over thrown first base just so he could make it. Then they over threw second and third base allowing him to get a homerun. I was speechless that these young kids had such big hearts.

After the game we had our team meeting where I presented him with the game ball. He was so excited and he asked me if I would sign the ball like Babe Ruth. I signed it “Great game, Coach Wayne.“ After our meeting the kids got with their parents and left. I was still on the field picking up our gear when I noticed he had returned to the field and was just standing there looking at me. He walks right up to me holding out the ball with his right hand and his left hand perched up on his hip. He says “Coach Wayne, what the heck is this?” I took the ball and looked at it confused, but before I could respond he says “I said sign it like Babe Ruth.”

This kid wanted me to sign Babe Ruth’s name to it. It was so funny. It’s moments like these that make it all worth while. I signed Babe Ruth to the ball, he inspected it and all was right in his world again. He gave me a big hug and ran off to his parents. I love those days. I’m just sayin’. 

Last week my oldest son Josh stayed over at a friends house. The next day I went and picked him up for his soccer game. While he was getting his things together I went to the bathroom to take a badly needed pee. While I was peeing apparently I did not lock the door because to my surprise and horror it began to open. I yelled “OCCUPIED” but that did no good. Still kept opening.

Now when you are in the middle of a good pee there is no cutting it off, so what does one do in this situation? I closed my eyes and clicked my heels three times chanting “I want to go home, I want to go home, I want to go home”. When I opened my eyes I was still there. It didn’t work, but I did realize it was only josh.

Now when Josh left he did not close the door behind him, craaaap! His friend is roaming around somewhere and his mothers bedroom is next door, she could come out at any moment. So I do what every talented redneck male does with luck like mine. While I was peeing I lifted up my right leg, balancing on my left and tried to push the door closed all while trying not to pee on the cute little wooden cat toilet paper holder. You know how cat’s hate water. And mission accomplished , dang I’m good.

As I was zipping up and proud of the feat I had just accomplished I noticed something. There was something to the left of the toilet. A statue of a Gnome, and it was crying. Gnome’s don’t cry, ooooh craaaap! Apparently I'm not as good as I thought I was. I gotta clean him up, I can't just leave him there like that.

In the middle of cleaning up after my bad aim the bathroom door comes flying open. It's the mom. She just freezed and stares at me wondering why do I have her Gnome in a head lock and why does it look like I have a cloth of chloraform over it's face? Then it hits her. I'm so busted. "Your the Gnome bandit aren't you? Your the one that steals peoples Gnomes and then send them pictures in the mail of it one vacation." I just look at her and say "You got me!" I'm thinking “unbelievable”. Then as she was headed out the door she says laughing "Don't worry. It won't be the first time the little sucker got peed on". I was soooo embarrassed. I’m just sayin!


 

As I sit on the throne
I hear a frog in my pool
We have so much in common
I’m sitting on a stool

He sounds so lonely
So talk back I do
Then my wife walks in
Says “What’s wrong with you?”

So you think I am crazy?
For talking to a frog
You sit on the couch
And talk to your dog

You really need help
It’s not at all funny
Talking to a frog
Really Honey?

　

She leaves me in silence
Then again he does croak
I just flush the toilet
And rise in my cloak

Maybe I am crazy
For talking to a frog
So I open the door
And emerge from the fog

I walk to the kitchen
Looking for some snacks
So in honor of my friend
I eat some Sugar smacks

　

　

　

　 

Many years ago I worked at a finance company with my good buddy Joey Temples. We had our Christmas party at a restaurant in Slidell, LA called “Dixie and Lamar’s.” Now Dixie and Lamar use to play in Hank William Jr’s band. One of them was even his brother-in-law; I can’t remember which one though.

Anyway, we were having a great time, listening to them play music, eating wonderful food and having a few drinks　and　I’m feeling pretty good. Joey gets up to go to the restroom and when he returns he sees me up on stage with Dixie and Lamar playing in the band. Now I can play a little guitar but that wasn’t my instrument of choice at this particular moment. I had grabbed two spoons off our table and Joey is shocked to see me clickin’ and a clackin’. I was hammering down on those bad boys. I even had a solo, “click, clack, click, clack, click, click, click, clack.”

I can see Joey’s mouth moving but I can’t hear a word he said. Good thing I can read lips. He said “What in the heck is that crazy son of a gun doing?” The song ends and Dixie said,　“Let’s hear it for　Click　Clack.” Everybody claps and they set up for the next song, but I ain’t moving. I’m just getting warmed up. Dixie looks at me and says again “Let’s hear it for　Click　Clack.” Everybody claps again but I don’t budge.

Dixie keeps staring at me and I said “I’m ready, lead us in brother.” He just starts laughing, shrugs his shoulders over at Lamar and he leads off with the next song. I start clickin’ and clackin’. Dixie can’t stand it no more and has to stop paying because he is laughing so hard. I take advantage of this opportunity to break out onto another solo. Click, clack, click, clack, cli…, dang it! I dropped a spoon on the stage and Dixie kicks it away with one swift move and says “Let’s hear it for　Click　Clack.”

Oh well, it was fun while it lasted. I took a bow and went back to my seat. No one at the table can breathe and tears are rolling down all their faces. Joey’s sister Karla says “I ain’t wrote in my journal for years but this is going in it.” Good times. I’m just sayin’.

　 

Here are some of my rules when it comes to listening to Rock and Roll music or attending concerts. These are only a few of them but they are very important.

Rule #47...Flick your Bic. A glow stick is not an acceptable lighter substitute. And please don't light up your cell phone and waive it in the air like you just don't care. There is only one exception to this rule and that is at a Poison concert. Always take the number of people in attendance and multiply that number by 3. That will give you the total number of hair spray cans used for this concert. That cloud you see hovering above you is not from the fog machine. It is an aerosol haze and is very flammable. Oh yea, and if you are a redneck at your first concert, fire flies in a jar don't count. Leave them at home on the counter.

Rule #32...If you smell a funny scented candle and you get dizzy. Don't go outside to get fresh air thinking you are getting sick. Just go to the concession stand and get some munchies. You will be ok.

Rule #29...If you are from southern Mississippi just remember this is not a football game. Leave the cow bell at home. The only people ever to play a cow bell at a concert is an old 70's band called Blue Oyster Cult. They are the only ones ever to pull it off.

Rule #23...If AC/DC, Def Leopard or Joe Walsh come on the radio you always and I mean always play the steering wheel guitar. All other bands are optional. The only exception is Pink Floyd. You never play the steering wheel to none of their songs. You will need all your energy to focus on what the lyrics mean. You don't want to cause a wreck. Trust me on this one.

Rule #17...If you are at a concert and you stand up to scream like you should be doing, and someone asks who farted? Just pop a Tic Tac and keep on screaming.

Rule #12...If you have a Culture Club CD in your car treat it as a gun and keep it out of sight. Concealment is the key here people.

Rule #9...If you get caught up in a Mash Pit on the floor, tighten your belt 2 notches. I once had a friend had his pants pulled down to his ankles and he was free ballin' for 15 minutes before he could get them pulled back up.

Rule #1…No matter what concert you are at. If you or someone else does fart, you always start singing “That Smell” by Lynyrd Skynyrd. The one not singing did it.

　 

Back on Halloween day I was sent to Wal-Mart to look for costume accessories for a party we were going to that night at my wife’s sister’s house. I was looking for what I needed on the toy aisle and the place was absolutely packed. You would have thought it was Christmas instead of Halloween.

Anyway, I’m looking around up and down each isle and I finally spot what I need on the shelf. I make my way through the crowd to get it but there are these two little boys blocking my way. They are in front of me checking out what I’m sure is the coolest new toy on the market. I’m gonna have to reach over them to get what I’m after.

I pat one of the little boys on the head and ask “How the heck are you little fellas’ doing today?”

Imagine my total surprise when the little fella’ that I had just patted on the head turned around and had a full grown mustache. I’m talkin’ full length handle bars. This was the shortest man I have ever seen. Nothing against short people, but he really looked like a kid, with a mustache.

There was one of these rolling latters by us, the one’s that employees use to get merchandise off of high shelves. This guy climbs up the latter until he is eyes level with me, rustles my hair with his hand and says “I’m pretty good, how the heck are you big fella’?”

Then he climbs down the latter, takes his son by the hand and walks off staring me down over his shoulder the whole way. I’m so embarrassed and I can feel my face and ears turning red. He stops at the end of the aisle, turns around and gives me the dang bird. Not just a regular make your point bird. He gives me the full right arm swinging under his left arm straight up bird. I felt so bad, after I got done laughing that is. Poor little fella’. I’m just sayin’.

　 

Ok…I played in a co-ed softball tournament a few weeks back to raise money for a friend’s church. I sprained my left knee, pulled my right hamstring and my left glute. But I got some ice, Bengay and Geratol so I think I will live.

The thing was, as we were getting ready for our first game the other team was waiting on their last girl player. All of a sudden a tow truck pulls up and a girl hops out wearing blue jeans, flip flops, a Grateful Dead tattoo and a Marlboro hangin’ from her lips. “Well that can’t be her,” I said to myself, so I keep warming up with a friend. Then I hear the umpire yell “Play ball!” Huh? Flip Flop is walking to the field with a glove. She’s playing right field and it’s my turn to bat. This is gonna be great! “Ok, Wayne, just hit it to the weak spot, right field…”

I step up to the plate, tap my cleats with the bat, dig in and stare down the pitcher. He gives me a weak stare, winds up and throws the first pitch; it’s a ball. I step back out of the batter’s box, take a deep breath and prepare for the next pitch. I tap my cleats a couple of times with the bat and step back in. The next pitch is a beauty and I knock the heck out of the ball. It’s deep to right field and it looks like a home run!

I’m jogging to first base with my arms raised high in the air but then, Ms. Grateful Dead hops out of her flip flops, takes the Marlboro out of her mouth, runs like a deer to the fence and jumps 6.2 feet in the air catching my home run ball. What the heck just happened?

Now I guess this is a good time to tell you that I didn’t obtain all my injuries playing ball. Most of them were because I threw my hat on the ground and kicked it as hard as I could after Ms. Tow Truck robbed me of my home run. Craaaaap! Then my 16 year old niece, let’s call her Brittany Lee, knocks one out of the park.

I gotta get me a pair of them flip flops. I’m just sayin’! 

When I was about twelve years old, I lived in a subdivision in Gautier, MS. Me and a friend of mine were riding bikes as usual when we noticed a neighbor has a trash fire going.

So we stopped, I mean what kid doesn’t love a good fire? We got to talking and this man offered us five dollars each to help him clean up his yard. We get to burn stuff and get paid? We had hit the jackpot. Well heck yea we’ll help. We ditched our bikes and got to work burning sticks, straw, leaves, trash, and pretty much anything we could find that would burn.

Man, we were having so much fun, until we run out of stuff to burn. We had that yard so clean you could eat off it. What are we going to do now? I start plundering around and found a can of pork and beans on his carport. He’s never going to eat them if he hadn’t already, so let the sucker’s burn. I threw the beans in the fire and never gave them a second thought.

About twenty-three minutes later our neighbor was stoking up the fire when all of a sudden, KABOOM! I mean the ground shook, and shook hard. My friend and me hit the deck. We peeked our heads up for a quick look.

Craaaaaap! The can of pork and beans had exploded. It scared the crap out of us, but not as scared as we were of our neighbor when he turned around to look at us with hot burning pork and beans stuck all over his face.

To heck with the $5, he can keep it. I jumped on my bike and pedaled as fast as my itsy bitsy little legs would take me. The next day we felt terrible so we went by his house to apologize. We stood nervously as we rang the doorbell. He answers the door and this poor guy looked like he had a double dose of the Mongolian Measles.

I had my apology rehearsed in my head but all I could manage to say was daaaaaaaang! But the apology was going to go something like this … “Sir, We are so sorry that we exploded beans on you and that now you look like Howdy Doody and you will probably never get a date again. That part really is terrible, and to make it up to you we are going to try and hook you up with Billy’s older sister Maudy. She doesn’t see so well and maybe she will get to know you on the inside, the you that didn’t strangle us or tell our parents what happened, the you that is good enough to stand hear right now and hear us out without chasing us down the street or slamming the door in out faces. You sir, are a great man. And we are proud to be your neighbor.” Then I hand him a brand new can of pork and beans as a peace offering and walked away.
 

Several years ago Melissa and I went on a cruise to Mexico with her sister Aimee. It was the first time I had ever been on a cruise but not on a boat. Living on the Mississippi Gulf Coast I was practically raised on water and around boats.

We get on the boat and check in where this nice lady gave me some sea sickness pills. I politely handed them back along with a little “I was raised on water” and “I never get sea sick” speech. Se shrugged her shoulders, put the pills away and we headed out to explore the boat.

The first night at dinner I started getting hot flashes, double vision and nausea. I needed some air so I excused myself from the table and went for a walk. About an hour later when I never returned to the table they all come looking for me. Now this part gets a little fuzzy so I’m relying on eye witness accounts.

I was told that when they walked into our cabin they heard something in the bathroom. When they opened the door there I was sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall, white as a sheet with the toilet ring hanging around my neck. I have never been so sick. The bathroom door closed and they started going through our luggage for medicine. I couldn’t see them but I could hear.

Aimee says to Melissa “I have some nausea medicine but it’s a suppository.“

Melissa says “Never mind, he won’t never ever use that.”

Huh? I’m so sick right now I would use anything. I’m trying to tell her to bring it to me but I’m just too sick, I just don’t have the strength. So finally I crawl through the bathroom door and into the cabin. The last thing I remember was pulling myself into the room on my elbows and pointing at my butt yelling “GIVE IT TO ME!”

When I look up I see Melissa, Aimee and a nice lady that had brought us a gift basket. She drops the basket on the floor and quickly exits the room speaking nonstop in Spanish and waiving her hands. Craaaaap! There ain’t no telling what she must have been thinking. I’m just sayin’. 

So what does a family do on a boring Wednesday night at home? Well, you could play scrabble, or rent a DVD and eat popcorn. Many families do that, many normal families that is. But let me tell you what I did.

I had seen this video on YouTube and I just had to see if it would work. About 6pm we ate some baked beans with supper, so needless to say I had gotten a little gassy. About 7pm I went to my room, stripped down to my boxer briefs, and got Melissa's baby powder. I walked back into the living room and everyone was just staring at me. No one said a word. They have learned over the years to just sit back, relax and enjoy the show.

I laid down on my back in the middle of the living room floor, lifted my legs to the sky, sprinkled baby powder on my butt and cracked a tater. If you don’t know what crackin’ a tater is, just use your imagination. Baby powder flew everywhere. It looked like a mushroom cloud. Then I got tickled and started laughing uncontrollably so I fired off several little baby taters in a row. It looked like I was sending out smoke signals.

They were all crying after the shock wore off. The next thing I know my kids started stripping down asking me to pass the baby powder.When we were done it looked like a snow blizzard had hit the house. Then we hear a knock at the door and before we could answer my mother in law walkes in. As she enters the living room she opens her mouth to say something but nothing comes out. She just shakes her head, turns around and walkes out of the house praying in tongues. We have never spoken about it since. She is so going to need some good therapy. I’m just sayin’!

　 

 I read this article in an online magazine titled “Why Oh Why?” It was from a woman’s perspective on why certain strange things happen. It was very amusing but it also got me to thinking and inspired to me to make my own list of why certain things happens from my own point of view.
 
Why is it that when I’m at a party and I dance on the table doing the “running man and the cabbage patch” simultaneously that everybody thinks it’s funny but my wife? But then she tells everyone she knows and laughs hysterically when she does? I don’t get it.

Why is it that when “someone” pees in my wife’s sock drawer that “I” get blamed for it? Yes I may have been intoxicated but anyone could have done it. I mean, what ever happen to innocent until proven guilty? Geeez!

Why is it called “Jock Itch” even if you’re not wearing a jock?

Why does Blue Star Ointment have to catch you on fire to cure Jock Itch? I would rather itch than have to perform the “stop drop and roll” in front of everybody holding my crotch yelling “I’M ON FIRE!”

Why is it that when I put one Pop Tart in the pop up toaster that I always put it on the side that don’t work? But when I put in two of them then both sides work?

Why is it that when you break a mirror you get 7 years’ bad luck? I mean there should be a market for an attorney that could get you off with 5 years’ time served and 2 years probation. If you have my kind of luck I could use one.

Why is it that when people try and sell you a statue at a yard sale that they try and convince you that they never used it and it’s practically brand new? Really, how much more wear and tear can a statue have on it from sitting on a shelf?

Why is it much cooler to watch the LSU Football game outside, in the cold, on a 12” black and white T.V. when there is a perfectly good 60” color big screen inside by the fire place?


Why is it that when I pee in the front yard that my wife comes completely unglued but when the neighbors pass they just smile, waive and toot the horn?

Ok...So please do me a favor and tell me some of your own "Why Is It?" situations. I'm dying to know :)

We have two Poodle dogs and my boys just got two new puppies. The Poodles are inside dogs so it’s been my job to let them out of the house first thing in the morning for a while now. Not sure how I got the job. I didn’t apply for it, but somehow it’s mine. The two new dogs will be outside dogs but since they are puppies they are inside for the time being. This one morning, I stumble out of bed half asleep in my Tweety Bird Boxers and went to let the dogs out. I opened the door and they all ran out like a rocket.

It’s not even daylight yet and I haven’t turned on any lights. As I turn from the door and start back to bed for just a few more minutes of sleep before I wake completely up, I notice that one of the puppies didn’t go out. He’s just sitting there in the corner chillin’ out, which is very unusual for any dog at 5 a.m. I call him and he doesn’t move, just sits there looking at me. So I sleep walk over to the lazy dang thing with one eye open and the other half closed and pick him up to bring him outside.

I said “Hey little fella’, you‘ve put on a little weight.”

As I go outside and put him down on the ground my eyes begin to adjust but I must be dreaming. I rubbed my eyes and looked again but it’s still there. Finally I realize that I had just picked up a dang Opossum!!! What the heck? Then it hisses at me and out of reflex I jump landing in a fresh pile of doggie doo, barefooted. I’m yelling for my wife and everybody ends up standing at the door starring at me thinking I have lost my mind. I’m outside, in my drawers, hopping on my left foot, I got doggie doo on my right, a Opossum is trying to eat me and they want to know what’s wrong with me.

“What’s wrong with me? A Opossum is trying to eat me, that’s what wrong.”

Then I pointed to it and the stupid thing is playing dead. Dang it! Melissa is gonna get the straight jacket for sure.

Now, for you guys that just don’t get what I am saying, let me break it down for you. I picked up a Opossum! Petted it! Talked to it! Took it out to pee! Then it tries to eat me! Craaaaaaaaaap! This day just got off to a real good start! I’m just sayin’.